Returning from a three and a half month absence of food blogging because you’ve just relocated to Southeast Asia is, to be dead honest, painful. There’s too much that needs to be said and you feel powerless to do an adequate job. It will have to wait until I can process, break it down, and get my shit together. But there’s one thing I’m ready to say about Shenzhen in this moment:

It’s fucking hot.

So when I noticed the latest Foodie Fights competition was “Frozen Dessert” I jumped at the opportunity to re-enter the ring. Foodie Fights has undergone a metamorphosis since last season, and I’m excited to participate under the revised format.

So let’s get down to business. It’s too hot to dick around with extraneous words. First: why I shouldn’t win this battle.

Points Against

• The recipe is too simple. I know you looked at the picture and you’re saying, “Toothpick popsicles? What are you, five?” Sure, it’s three ingredients combined childishly. I don’t care.
• The pictures suck. They’re blurry, poorly lit, and lack color. I don’t care.
• You can’t make this recipe. Not that you don’t have the talent. The recipe is cake. All your problems come with that funny word in the title: Mangosteen. A detailed explanation to follow, but first…

Points For

• These taste good. Really good. But, again, you’ll probably never know. Here’s why.

Mangosteens

Three months ago if you asked me what a mangosteen was I’d have shrugged. I’d heard the word but I couldn’t have pointed one out of a lineup, nor told you it was a fruit, let alone told you it was heaven in a thick purple rind. Three days ago I still couldn’t have told you, despite having eating dozens of them. That falls in line with my general food policy while in China. I don’t care what it’s called or what it’s made of, just put it in front of me and I’ll make it disappear. Only then did I ask the name, shanzhuyu, which led me down the Google rabbit hole.

If you’re like me you know nothing about this fruit because we don’t have them in the states. Well, not unless you’re willing to shop around at some specialty markets in New York, LA. It only grows in tropical climates and until a few years ago the United States banned imports. If you’ve had them fresh, I bet you had them on vacation. You should be able to find cans of syrup and mangosteen in Asian markets. I have no idea if they can compare to fresh (instinct and internet reports say no), but it’s your best bet for a replacement as far as this recipe goes.

When you work out the math, the local Walmart sells mangosteen for about $2/lb (13.8 RMB/jin to be exact) and you can find it on sale for as little as $1/lb. If you read the Wikipedia page you’ll notice this fruit is mostly outer rind, so this only amplifies the expense. The six mangosteens I used cost me 22RMB ($3.25). Don’t let these numbers fool you. This is expensive by Chinese standards.

For comparison, if you live in the U.S. and can even find this fruit fresh, be ready to drop $20-30/lb. With the amount of sweet flesh you get, that puts mangosteen somewhere on the rich and famous shelf between black truffles and unicorn tenderloin. These six ice cube popsicles might set you back $40. Not counting the walnuts.

If you’re in a position where you’ve got fresh mangosteens, a pile of cash, and a penchant for turning gold into a kiddie snack, here’s what you do:

What I Used

• Mangosteen (Approximately one for each ice cube)
• Sweetened Condensed Milk
• Walnuts, shelled

What I Did

1. 
2. Remove the mangosteen flesh and place in a blender. Blend. If you didn’t notice the fibrous but soft seedlike thing in the middle that’s OK, because we’re just going to…
3. Strain.
4. 
5. Add one tablespoon sweetened condensed milk for every six mangosteens used.
6. 
7. Stab a piece of walnut through the end of a toothpick and place inside the ice trays.
8. 
9. Add the mangosteen mix and freeze until solid.

The sweetened condensed milk is added for two reasons. It takes a little bit of the tart edge off the mangosteen. Just enough to remove the punch on the tongue. Also, sweetened condensed milk is tough to freeze, since it doesn’t contain any water. I learned this the hard way in a number of mangled attempts at making the perfect Vietnamese iced coffee. All this means is we get a slushier treat in the end, as we aren’t adding enough to completely stop the mixture from freezing in a standard freezer.

Now I gotta go. It’s 2am here, I’m sweating, and I need one of these pops. I’ll be back soon enough with a more realistic dish. In the meantime, go vote for an ice cream or something.

It’s that time again! Time to throw my little recipe in the ring with a handful of other food bloggers and pray to God I don’t get word-punched in the face by the judges. It’s Foodie Fights! The ingredients this round: Black Beans and Coconut.

If you slog through my recent posts you’ll notice that I’ve been making a lot of food whilst on the run. Whether it be in a hotel, in a friend’s spiffy apartment, or not a recipe altogether, I’ve had to make do with what I was dealt. Work has since settled down, so I signed up for another Foodie Fights battle, stupidly forgetting that I would be going to this little thing called LovEvolution. This story could go on forever but to make it short: I had to cook on the road again.

No little experiments, no tweaking recipes, no backup plans. I had a one-meal window to cook dinner for some friends and their family. So here is what I went with:

What I Used

• Wonton wrappers, round. What I actually did in this case is take egg roll wrappers, the large square ones, and cut them into circles by placing a bowl upside down and tracing it with a knife. Why? The store was out of round wrappers. Count: 13.
• Black beans, canned. That’s right, canned. 1 – 1lb 10oz can. Negative points for me. But hey, I didn’t have a day to soak these things. Small window, so I did what I could. And when a couple diners complemented on how unexpected and nice the beans were, it eased my mind about using them.
• White coconut, fresh and busted open with a hammer and chisel phillips-head screwdriver.
• Savoy cabbage, chopped.
• Carrot, julienned.
• Coconut Milk, 8 oz.
• Juice of four(4) limes.
• Lemongrass, minced, 2 Tbsp.
• Egg yolk, 1.
• Rice Vinegar, 1/2 cup.
• Safflower Oil, 1/2 cup.

What I Did

1. Fill a skillet 1/2 inch deep with safflower oil and bring to high heat (400-450°F)
2. Fold wonton skins in half and place in the oil. With metal tongs grab the edge of the top half of the wonton and lift it out of the oil so that only the bottom half cooks. Do this until brown, flip it, and repeat with the bottom half. You’ll notice that the degree to which you lift the top half out of the oil works to shape the taco shell. You might screw up the first couple, but it just takes practice. After a few you’ll be a pro. When you’ve made these just place them on a paper towel to dry off any excess oil.
3. Open can o’ beans. Place in a small pot, bring to a simmer, and add salt.
4. In a blender or food processor add coconut milk, lime juice, lemongrass, egg yolk, and rice vinegar. Turn it on and drizzle in the 1/2 cup of safflower oil.
5. Toss equal parts savoy cabbage and carrot with this mixture, just so the veggies are coated.
6. Place a couple spoonfuls of beans into the taco shells followed by the veggie mixture.
7. Shave fresh coconut over the tacos by taking a spoon and running it along the flesh, as if you were shaving ice.

Whew, that’s that. For a first run, blind recipe, this came out amazing. The only modification I will make in the future is on the ratio of emulsifier (egg yolk) and oil to the rest of the coconut lime vinaigrette mixture. It should be thicker.

I’ve got to give some credit to Pier 46 Seafood. There was an event at the Donati Family tasting room where they served these amazing Ahi Tartar Mini Tacos. I fell in love with their wonton taco shells and had to rip them off :)

So…yea, there we are. Black beans and coconut. I think I can get away with using the name “Thai Tacos” because the flavors of the sauce (lime, coconut milk, lemongrass) are similar to Tom Kha. If anyone tries it at home I hope they enjoy it as much as the folks who ate this batch. And here’s to hoping things go as well in the fight as last time.

If you feel so inclined you can vote for me (or whoever you like, really) here.

For this recipe I will be including quantities. You should never use these quantities. They are only included for effect, and using them means you are:

• Catering, in which case, are you sure I’m the right guy to be consulting on this?
• Really really really hungry, or…
• Cooking for a whole fraternity. Haha, good luck sucker.

Early December means the Delta Tau Fraternity Christmas Party. There’s a Secret Santa gift exchange (of booze) and stockings for all the active members and little sisters (filled with, to some extent, booze) but before it all comes a gigantic home-cooked feast. Multiple people take up the task of preparing a wide array of foodstuff for the crowd to drunkenly attack alongside their cocktails. If you’ve read my bio you would know this is what I’m used to tackling.

Now that I’m out in the “real world”, the execution of this massive meal is in somebody else’s hands, but I was asked to make mashed potatoes. In the past they were my Christmas Party specialty.*

Ok, ready? Here’s how to make mashed potatoes for 60 people.

What I Used

• Russet Potatoes, 30 lbs.
• Garlic, 3 heads
• Half & Half, 1 quart
• Whole Milk, 1 quart
• Baby Dill, 1 bunch
• Butter, 3 sticks

What I Did

1. Rough peel the potatoes and cut into inch thick slices (keep them in a cold water bath)
2. Boil potatoes until fork tender
3. Peel garlic and puree with dill, whole milk, half & half, salt, and pepper
4. In saucepan, melt butter and add garlic dill dairy mixture
5. Strain potatoes and add to large mixing bowl, pour on hot butter and dairy mixture
6. Mash it all together
7. Salt and pepper to taste; as pictured, add some fresh baby dill

Other Numbers

• Approximate Time Taken: 3.5 hrs (prep+cooking)
• American Human Dollars Spent: 19

If you’re going to cook this much food, unless you have a massive food processor and unspeakably large pot in which to boil potatoes, I suggest doing this in batches. I did this – and the numbers made this easy – in three batches.

The processing of the high-fat milk products with the garlic and dill will create something of a temporary garlic dill froth. It’s neat.

Oh, and try not to peel 30 lbs. of potatoes alone. Find some generous, willing minions to conquer that task.

* This year I did not make the same mashed potatoes as past Christmas dinners. Those are a different post, and definitely not vegetarian.