There’s good news and bad news. The good news: This is one of two things I’ve made that I would actually serve in a restaurant, were I the kind of guy who owned the kind of restaurant that brought you an amouse-bouche to kick off a meal. Plus, the recipe is stupid easy. If I’m only going to post one recipe a month, I might as well make it count.

The bad news? That picture above is fake. I took pictures of the real dish, then deleted them in the midst of purging. But the fake reconstruction above looks almost exactly the same. And you can’t taste my pictures anyway, so damn. On with the recipe.

This post is also my entry into Beet ‘n Squash YOU, a friendly monthly theme battle hosted by the lovelies Melody and Leela. After months of sitting on the sidelines I’m finally participating. It’s Battle Mushroom! Here goes.

What I Used

• Kusshi Oysters
• Shiro Miso Paste
• Junmai Daiginjo Sake
• Oyster Mushrooms
• Chives, finely chopped
• Salt

What I Did

1. Shuck oysters.
2. Heat 1/2 cup of sake in a small saucepan until it reaches a boil.
3. Cut the heat and add 2 teaspoons of miso paste. Stir vigorously until all the clumps are gone.
4. Place the miso sake sauce in the refrigerator until chilled. You’ll have to restir the sauce when you take it out again.
5. Spoon a teaspoon of chilled miso sake sauce over the raw kusshi oyster. Top with a pinch of chives, one raw oyster mushroom, and a pinch of salt.
6. Serve.

It’s that simple; I feel bad calling it a recipe. While it sounded good on paper, I was surprised just how well balanced all the flavors were once assembled.

You can try swapping out almost all of the ingredient varieties until you find a combination you love. Change mushrooms. Try a different miso paste. Shop around the sake section. While Kusshis are a fantastic small variety of oyster, you might not have a supplier in your area, and that’s fine. Use what you’ve got.

My dad makes a kickass version of ceviche, closely related to a traditional Mexican ceviche. Cilantro, tomato, red snapper, shrimp, lime, onion, etc.

This is not that recipe.

For those of you living in a cave who have managed to avoid the 8 bazillion versions of ceviche in restaurants these days, here are the basics: Soak seafood in citrus juice for hours, curing the meat in place of cooking it. Everything after that is whatever you make of it. Okay, so no cheese or rice or chocolate. Go to town adding whatever fruits, vegetables, herbs and spices you want.

Ceviche is the perfect dish to make in a hotel because it doesn’t require heat. Assuming you brought a good knife to cut everything with (who doesn’t travel with an 8 inch chef’s knife?) and can put together a suitable cutting surface, all you need is refrigeration and a plastic bag. Want to see where I made mine?

What I Used

• Fillet of True Pacific Cod, cut into bite size chunks
• Bay Scallops
• Lime Juice
• Coconut Milk
• Red Onion, medium diced
• Mango, medium diced
• Garlic, minced
• Serrano Peppers, small diced
• Chiffonade of Basil

What I Did

1. Combine bay scallops, cod, and lime juice in a plastic zip-top bag and let the seafood cure in the refrigerator for 12-24 hours.
2. Once cured, add to the bag the remaining ingredients and mix up well. Return to the chill box for a few hours to let the flavors mingle.
3. Serve with chips (needs at least some type of delivery system.)

One more thing. There is something everyone should know about cutting mango, explained at 1:20 in the video below:

Neat right?

Stupid Taco Bell commercial. Ok, so I know they’re all pretty bad, but you may recognize this one that has been running recently. I’d show you the real ad on Youtube but I guess the folks behind the Volcano Burrito don’t want to take advantage of free advertising. Smart. Not.

Two stereotypical Taco Bell Commercial Douchebags are lounging next to the pool eating a Fiesta Taco Salad. How these two ordered such a thing without receiving unending ridicule from friends and family is left unexplained. We are, however, given this brilliant exchange of words:

Dude A: “Hey bro, I thought this was a salad.”

Dude B: Removing finger from ass… “Huh?”

A: “I can’t find the lettuce.”

B: “Did you look under the cheese?”

A: “Not there.”

B: “Did you look under the meat?”

A: “Dude, I looked under the meat, the taco shell, I even stood up and looked under this kickass lawn chair. The lettuce is fucking gone.

Hottie: Entering the scene, thinking she’s awesome for being in a Taco Bell commercial… “Did you look under the beans?”

A: Obviously not the first time he’s needed a woman’s help finding something under something, now holding lettuce on his fork… “Aaaallllriiiiiiight.”

B: “So it’s technically a salad.”

I’d like for these geniuses to find the lettuce in three-bean salad, potato salad, or antipasto. So what really constitutes a salad? Hell if I know. If you believe Wikipedia then it might as well be a mixture of any food items, hot or cold, no matter what they are.

Well if that’s all it takes to play this salad game, I want in.

What I Used

• Cucumber, peeled and julienned (I’m sure my knife skills did not produce a proper 1/8 in. x 1/8 in. x 2.5 in. cut)
• Extra Soft Tofu, 1/2 in. cubes
• Dried Cranberries
• Pistachios, finely chopped
• Lime Juice, freshly squeezed
• Don’t forget the salt

What I Did

1. Combine the cucumber, tofu, cranberries, and salt.
2. Squeeze fresh lime juice on the whole thing.
3. Top with chopped pistachios.

You know what I love about this salad? Cooking Time: 0 minutes.

So it isn’t mind-blowing, but the flavors do work. It could really use something to tie all these things together with more body than just lime juice. Maybe make this into a lime vinaigrette?

This dish did let me discover that I really like how cranberries and pistachios pair. On Mothers Day I made a Cran-Pistachio Pesto that the parentals seemed to enjoy. With a couple small tweaks that recipe could very well end up here.

I know, I’m a little late with the whole St. Patrick’s day recipe thing. I doubt the food blogosphere ran short of entries without my contribution. But hey, shouldn’t every day be St. Patty’s?

I spent the week leading up to this Irish Christmas at SXSWi and I couldn’t have asked for a better dinner on the big day than at III Forks with The Governors. However, I didn’t want to miss out on cooking some delicious “seasonal” food. And by that I mean: I’ll look for any decent excuse to buy a 12 pack of Bass and Guinness.

What I Used

• Corned Beef Brisket, Mild Cure, 3 lbs.
• Bass Ale, 2 bottles
• Guinness Draught, 1 bottle
• Baby Bok Choy
• Radicchio, chopped
• Shallot, finely minced
• White Wine Vinegar
• Corn Starch
• Butter

What I Did

1. In a dutch oven over high heat, brown the corned beef.
2. Add the Bass Ale, cover, and move to a 250°F oven for 10 hours.
3. Separate, thoroughly wash, and dry the baby bok choy leaves.
4. Reduce the Guinness over low heat until it has reduced to about 2 oz. Thicken with a little corn starch.
5. Melt a pad of butter in a skillet over medium heat, add the shallot, radicchio, and a splash of white win vinegar and cook for 1 minute.
6. Serve the radicchio mixture with the bok choy, topped with thinly sliced corned beef and Guinness reduction, as pictured above.

A couple hours into the corned beef braising I searched the interwebs to see if anybody else had a take on combining Black and Tans with Corned Beef. Sure enough, Barb Reese of Focaccia’s Delicatessen in Toledo, OH cooks a sandwich with these flavors and in much the same fashion. It sounds. Friggin’. Awesome.

The amount of corned beef I’ve cooked here is way more than used in the overall dish, but I’ve already eaten the leftovers in the time it took to write this.

I seriously warn you not to eat the radicchio mixture alone. It’s quite bitter. Well, I guess if you dig bitter food, go to town, it’s just never been my idea of a good time. But mixed with the salt explosion that is corned beef and the Guinness reduction, it isn’t bad.

If it isn’t obvious by now, I’m a relative noob when it comes to cooking. I started taking an interest in preparing food five years ago, during my second year of college, when I finally felt independence (no more dorms!) and food wasn’t constantly a stumble away. I started thinking about making tasty food four years ago when I lived with my grandmother for two summers (more on that in many future posts). And I didn’t start taking an interest in preparing my own food creations until a couple years ago. As I continue learning how to chuck ingredients together at certain times in certain doses, I’m occasionally amazed at some of the foodstuff we buy in restaurants that can be made just as scrumptious and for waaaaaay fewer little green rectangles.

For me, egg rolls are the epitome of this cheaper-and-better category. Maybe it’s because the Chinese cuisine in San Luis Obispo is ridiculously sub par. With the exception of one place in town, it’s downright horrible. The good news is anybody, even a white kid from the Olive City can wrap up some tasty egg rolls at home for nearly nothing. I got about 32 rolls out of the following recipe for seven bucks.

What I Used

Egg Rolls

• Ground Pork
• Bok Choy, rough chopped
• Carrots, julienned
• Egg Roll Wrappers
• Soy Sauce
• Ginger, chopped
• Flour

Dipping Sauce

• Luscious Soy Paste
• Rice Cooking Wine
• Ginger

What I Did

Egg Rolls

1. Combine ginger and ground pork and brown in skillet on medium heat, set aside in mixing bowl
2. Stir fry bok choy on high with a splash of soy for a couple minutes until tender, add to bowl
3. Repeat for carrots
4. Mix bowl contents together
5. Make a flour paste out of flour and water to use for sealing edges
6. Lay out wrapper with one corner point at you
7. Place a couple tablespoons or so (depending on wrapper size) near front corner
8. Fold front corner away from you and over filling, then fold the side corners in to the center
9. Continue folding tightly away until you almost hit the far corner
10. Slop a tiny bit of flour paste onto the inside of the far corner and fold up to seal
11. Drop into a vat of hot oil (canola in my case) as close to 450° as possible until crispy brown
12. Move to paper towel or drying rack, let cool and dry, serve

Dipping Sauce

1. Stir ingredients together and cook on low-medium heat for 20 minutes
2. Bottle and/or serve

Here’s where I throw in the disclaimers. First, the dipping sauce is not traditional, nor by what I can tell even suitable for egg rolls. I just had the stuff around in the right quantities and I figured it would taste ok. The good news is the sauce does still taste good so if traditional dipping sauces isn’t a big deal, rock on.

Second, this actually comes out a bit bland in my opinion. My neighbors and family enjoyed stuffing their faces but I think this needs a much stronger savory note. Suggestions please?!