Food Goes In Mouth

Returning from a three and a half month absence of food blogging because you’ve just relocated to Southeast Asia is, to be dead honest, painful. There’s too much that needs to be said and you feel powerless to do an adequate job. It will have to wait until I can process, break it down, and get my shit together. But there’s one thing I’m ready to say about Shenzhen in this moment:

It’s fucking hot.

So when I noticed the latest Foodie Fights competition was “Frozen Dessert” I jumped at the opportunity to re-enter the ring. Foodie Fights has undergone a metamorphosis since last season, and I’m excited to participate under the revised format.

So let’s get down to business. It’s too hot to dick around with extraneous words. First: why I shouldn’t win this battle.

Points Against

• The recipe is too simple. I know you looked at the picture and you’re saying, “Toothpick popsicles? What are you, five?” Sure, it’s three ingredients combined childishly. I don’t care.
• The pictures suck. They’re blurry, poorly lit, and lack color. I don’t care.
• You can’t make this recipe. Not that you don’t have the talent. The recipe is cake. All your problems come with that funny word in the title: Mangosteen. A detailed explanation to follow, but first…

Points For

• These taste good. Really good. But, again, you’ll probably never know. Here’s why.

Mangosteens

Three months ago if you asked me what a mangosteen was I’d have shrugged. I’d heard the word but I couldn’t have pointed one out of a lineup, nor told you it was a fruit, let alone told you it was heaven in a thick purple rind. Three days ago I still couldn’t have told you, despite having eating dozens of them. That falls in line with my general food policy while in China. I don’t care what it’s called or what it’s made of, just put it in front of me and I’ll make it disappear. Only then did I ask the name, shanzhuyu, which led me down the Google rabbit hole.

If you’re like me you know nothing about this fruit because we don’t have them in the states. Well, not unless you’re willing to shop around at some specialty markets in New York, LA. It only grows in tropical climates and until a few years ago the United States banned imports. If you’ve had them fresh, I bet you had them on vacation. You should be able to find cans of syrup and mangosteen in Asian markets. I have no idea if they can compare to fresh (instinct and internet reports say no), but it’s your best bet for a replacement as far as this recipe goes.

When you work out the math, the local Walmart sells mangosteen for about $2/lb (13.8 RMB/jin to be exact) and you can find it on sale for as little as $1/lb. If you read the Wikipedia page you’ll notice this fruit is mostly outer rind, so this only amplifies the expense. The six mangosteens I used cost me 22RMB ($3.25). Don’t let these numbers fool you. This is expensive by Chinese standards.

For comparison, if you live in the U.S. and can even find this fruit fresh, be ready to drop $20-30/lb. With the amount of sweet flesh you get, that puts mangosteen somewhere on the rich and famous shelf between black truffles and unicorn tenderloin. These six ice cube popsicles might set you back $40. Not counting the walnuts.

If you’re in a position where you’ve got fresh mangosteens, a pile of cash, and a penchant for turning gold into a kiddie snack, here’s what you do:

What I Used

• Mangosteen (Approximately one for each ice cube)
• Sweetened Condensed Milk
• Walnuts, shelled

What I Did

1. 
2. Remove the mangosteen flesh and place in a blender. Blend. If you didn’t notice the fibrous but soft seedlike thing in the middle that’s OK, because we’re just going to…
3. Strain.
4. 
5. Add one tablespoon sweetened condensed milk for every six mangosteens used.
6. 
7. Stab a piece of walnut through the end of a toothpick and place inside the ice trays.
8. 
9. Add the mangosteen mix and freeze until solid.

The sweetened condensed milk is added for two reasons. It takes a little bit of the tart edge off the mangosteen. Just enough to remove the punch on the tongue. Also, sweetened condensed milk is tough to freeze, since it doesn’t contain any water. I learned this the hard way in a number of mangled attempts at making the perfect Vietnamese iced coffee. All this means is we get a slushier treat in the end, as we aren’t adding enough to completely stop the mixture from freezing in a standard freezer.

Now I gotta go. It’s 2am here, I’m sweating, and I need one of these pops. I’ll be back soon enough with a more realistic dish. In the meantime, go vote for an ice cream or something.